When Erin McClung and her colleagues at the University of Ottawa's Relationships and Couple Health (REACH) Lab set out to study breakups, they discovered something counterintuitive: the way a relationship ends might matter more than most of us realize. In a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, the research team found that when the person initiating a breakup practices "autonomy-supportive" communication—being honest, using non-controlling language, and genuinely acknowledging their partner's perspective—both ex-partners experience more positive emotions and a stronger sense of closure afterward.
Most research on breakups focuses on the structural factors we can't control: how long the relationship lasted, whether you share a friend group, or how much you interact through social media. But McClung, a doctoral candidate in Experimental Psychology at the Faculty of Social Sciences, noticed a gap in the literature. "There's a lot of research about the physical characteristics of a breakup that predict distress or well-being, such as the gender, relationship length, ongoing contact with an ex-partner, or the role and use of technology," she explained, "but less is known about the strategies people use to break up with their romantic partner—what they should say or do to lessen the blow."
The research reveals that autonomy support—which involves acknowledging another's perspective, providing a clear rationale for the breakup, offering choices, and delivering non-controlling feedback—correlates with more positive feelings after the relationship ends for both parties. Notably, the study found this didn't reduce negative emotions like depression and anxiety; rather, it expanded the space for positive feelings alongside the grief. McClung puts it plainly: "Knowing why a partner broke off the relationship may not make it hurt any less, but that 'autonomy support' may allow both the initiator and the recipient to gain clarity over their relationship and move on."
One particularly striking finding emerged around the role of understanding. When someone breaks up with clear honesty and reasoning, ongoing contact with an ex becomes less psychologically damaging. The researchers found that when ex-partners lacked understanding about why the relationship ended, more frequent contact actually intensified negative feelings post-breakup. In other words, clarity during the breakup conversation itself becomes protective over time.
Associate Professor Serena Corsini-Munt, who directed the research, acknowledges that not everyone will feel equipped to be autonomy-supportive in such an emotionally charged moment. "We know that not everyone will feel that they are in a position to be autonomy-supportive when breaking-up, or it may not be feasible to apply all aspects," she noted. But she remains hopeful about the implications. "We hope that autonomy-supportive communication could help set the stage for helpful communication and feeling better post breakup."
The research doesn't prescribe one "right" way to end a relationship—relationships are too varied, too human for that. Instead, it offers something more valuable: evidence that respect and honesty during a breakup aren't just nice gestures. They're practices that reshape how both people move forward, transforming a painful moment into one where clarity and dignity can coexist with heartbreak.