Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., has spent four decades listening to families in crisis, and he keeps returning to the same insight: American children are raising themselves. As a clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine and fellow of the American Psychological Association, Barish has watched a crisis unfold in plain sight—one that doesn't need more therapists or medication, but rather a return to something older and simpler. With over 40% of American teenagers reporting persistent sadness or hopelessness, the U.S. surgeon general has declared a prolonged crisis in child and adolescent mental health. Yet Barish argues that grandparents and extended family hold the remedy.
"We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now," Barish explains. "Children need grandparents, and they always have." In his new book, "The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting," he draws on four decades of clinical work alongside neuroscience and child development research to make a compelling case: the erosion of extended family support has contributed directly to the mental health crisis gripping America's youth.
The problem, Barish identifies, runs deeper than teen sadness—it reflects a fundamental cultural shift. Over several decades, America has become "a society of I, not we," where preoccupation with individual achievement has crowded out values of kindness and caring. Research shows that this intense pressure for achievement leads to high rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, particularly in affluent communities. The antidote, Barish argues, is helping children develop a sense of purpose beyond personal success. Studies reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin found that helping others produces measurable benefits: improved self-esteem, less depression, lower dropout rates, better immune function, and even a longer life.
Grandparents provide what Barish calls "molecules of emotional health"—moments of listening and encouragement that strengthen what he terms a child's "emotional immune system." A child's confident expectation that someone will truly listen and understand becomes the best protection against the emotional challenges they'll face. Practical ways grandparents can help include creating moments of play and fun, expressing genuine interest in children's interests and goals, and most importantly, listening without rushing to fix or judge.
A surprising finding from Barish's clinical work challenges conventional parenting wisdom: the most common problem isn't overpraising children, but unintentional criticism from well-meaning family members. "Criticism does not motivate children to work harder," Barish states. "Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children's initiative and effort." This doesn't mean offering empty praise—Barish, citing Carol Dweck's concept of "growth mindset," distinguishes between helpful and harmful praise. The key is to praise effort and learning, not intelligence, talent, or grades.
Barish recommends volunteering together as a family and having frequent conversations, starting early, about kindness and understanding others' needs. "These conversations strengthen a child's sense of meaning and purpose," he explains. "They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes—maybe more." In a world that has systematized childhood around individual achievement, the simplest and most powerful intervention may be the one that's oldest: a grandparent who listens, who shows up, and who reminds a young person that they matter beyond their grades.