Kenneth Barish didn't start his 40-year career thinking grandparents were optional—yet American families have been treating them that way. The clinical psychologist at Weill Cornell Medicine has watched a quiet crisis unfold: as extended family involvement has declined, youth anxiety and depression have soared, precisely in the way the U.S. Surgeon General has now formally recognized as a continuing crisis.
The reason, Dr. Barish argues, is evolutionary mismatch. "We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now," he explains. "Children need grandparents, and they always have." In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, he draws on four decades of clinical experience alongside research in neuroscience and child development to show why this matters profoundly right now.
The problem runs deeper than practical help with homework or childcare. Over several decades, America has shifted from a culture of "We" to a culture of "I," and children are bearing the cost. Intense pressure on individual achievement—earning top grades, securing prestigious opportunities—has eroded values of kindness and caring. Research has repeatedly linked this achievement obsession to elevated rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, particularly in affluent communities. Individual accomplishment alone, Dr. Barish writes, is "a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress."
Grandparents, by contrast, can model and reinforce a different kind of purpose. Psychologist Jane Piliavin's research shows that helping others is associated with higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression, reduced school dropout rates, improved immune function, and even longer life expectancy. When families volunteer together and talk openly about kindness and empathy—beginning when children are young—they strengthen a child's sense of meaning that transcends the report card.
But perhaps the most valuable thing grandparents offer is what Dr. Barish calls "molecules of emotional health": small, ordinary moments of genuine attention and encouragement that quietly reinforce a child's confidence that someone will listen and understand. "A child's confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood," he notes. These moments build what he terms the "emotional immune system"—the resilience children need to weather life's inevitable setbacks.
In his clinical work, Dr. Barish has discovered that the damage done by frequent criticism far outweighs harm from excess praise. Well-intentioned family members often don't realize how much criticism undermines a child's initiative and effort, breeding resentment instead of motivation. When praise does come, it works best when focused on effort and learning rather than innate ability—a principle rooted in Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset.
The path forward, Dr. Barish suggests, is less about teaching new parenting techniques and more about rebuilding the family structures that children have always needed. Involving children in problem-solving, giving them chances to recover from mistakes, and surrounding them with adults who genuinely care—these practices work because they address something deeper than behavior management. They address the human need to belong, to be understood, and to matter to someone who listens.